LOVE
ADVICE
OWLBOT:
WHEN YOU HAVE THE FINE COMBINATION OF A COLD AND PMS, MAKE SURE TO TRY
GETTING IN A RELATIONSHIP DISCUSSION. LET YOURSELF BE AS MEAN AS YOU WANT.
SEE HOW FAR YOU CAN PUSH IT AND THEN PUSH IT A LITTLE MORE. MAGS
SAYS:JUST GIVE IN. STOP TRYING TO FIGHT IT.
DUDELY:
YOU CAN'T BE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE AND HAVE A CRUSH ON THEM AT THE SAME
TIME. IF YOU CAN'T LOOK AT SOMEONE WITHOUT FEELING SICK, DON'T SLEEP WITH
THEM.
BONK
YELLS: LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT IS BULLSHIT. WAIT TILL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND.
BONK
ADDS: 1. If you date people under 25: Keep them on a leash and beat them
harshly. Hit them the first time they say a stupid thing. This way they
will learn. This way you won't have to put up with more stupid things
later. They will fear the lash. Get a lot of action while you can, cuz
they will inevitably do too many stupid things, and you will have to kill
them. 2. If you date people over 30: Dress real slutty. All the time.
It's the only way to keep them interested, cuz they are too fucking cynical
for the real thing. Get it before the third beer, or they will fall asleep
before you get any.3. If you date an intelligent person: Don't see them
more than once a week. Or they will get sick of you. And you will get
sick of them analyzing you.4. If you date a not-so-intelligent person:
Go to cheap places. Unintelligent people will never pay for you. They
think small. And get it while you can, because inevitably.... you will
have to kill them.
5.
Do NOT date ROCK STARS or BROKE ARTISTS. No explanation necessary.6. If
you date junkies, use rubbers. And hide your wallet when you go to sleep.7.
Rubbers suck, so if you don't use them, demand a copy of your lover's
last STD test results, then stalk them and spy on them every day, to make
sure they ain't giving you cooties.8. If you don't want kids, use rubbers.
If you don't want to pay for abortions, use rubbers.9. If you don't want
kids, don't date people with kids.10. Never let your friends set you up
with someone you never met.11. Don't expect to get anything you ain't
giving out.12. Don't try to be nice. No good deed goes unpunished. The
more you try to be nice, the more you'll get walked on. Be a self-centered
bitch and he'll want you more.13. No matter what you do it will be wrong.
So don't put any effort into it.14. Don't date blondes.
5.
Do NOT date ROCK STARS or BROKE ARTISTS. No explanation necessary.6. If
you date junkies, use rubbers. And hide your wallet when you go to sleep.7.
Rubbers suck, so if you don't use them, demand a copy of your lover's
last STD test results, then stalk them and spy on them every day, to make
sure they ain't giving you cooties.8. If you don't want kids, use rubbers.
If you don't want to pay for abortions, use rubbers.9. If you don't want
kids, don't date people with kids.10. Never let your friends set you up
with someone you never met.11. Don't expect to get anything you ain't
giving out.12. Don't try to be nice. No good deed goes unpunished. The
more you try to be nice, the more you'll get walked on. Be a self-centered
bitch and he'll want you more.13. No matter what you do it will be wrong.
So don't put any effort into it.14. Don't date blondes.SHRIMPMEAT:
Allow independence and demand you own but know when you're in the mood
to be codependent (how's that for psycho babble, you'd think I was in
therapy or something).
Slut Rat: My advice to the single, go to a rock show, a LOUD one. Loud rock shows tend to attract more singles than lovebird couples. Be happy you're single! You don't have to buy anyone a drink, or act like you are into being shackled to them. And please don't think that your sadness is enough material to torture everyone at an open mic night. Nobody wants to hear bad poetry.
